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Grace Abounds “Post Tenebras Lux” Conquering Addiction

Grace Abounds “Post Tenebras Lux” Conquering Addiction

by Trevor Vestey, Army Veteran, ACBC Certified Biblical Counselor

My name is Trevor Vestey. I am a veteran, and it is a privilege to share my testimony of God's grace with the recipients of the Fallen Soldiers Ministries quarterly newsletter. I have chosen to write this testimony didactically, hoping it could be used to help people overcome life-dominating sin. Sins of addiction run rampant in the world, and many people are looking for freedom for themselves and/or loved ones. I hope my testimony will bless you and that you will use it to help others.

My faith in Christ is the most important aspect of my life for it has brought eternal meaning and purpose to everything I do. I believe all of life is to be lived to the glory of our Creator God, the one true triune God, Yahweh, as He has revealed Himself in the sixty-six books of the Bible as Father, Son, and Spirit. The Bible reveals that God is good, righteous, and holy. We deserve His justice because we are not good; we are unrighteous and unholy. The Bible also reveals that this good God is a saving, gracious, and merciful God. In the gospels we see these attributes in perfect harmony as Christ, in love, laid down His life for His sheep, performing His redemptive work on their behalf, satisfying His own justice by making a once-for-all atonement for their sin.

First Corinthians 15:1–4 (LSB) states, "Now I make known to you, brothers, the gospel which I proclaimed as good news to you, which also you received, in which also you stand, by also you are saved, if you hold fast the word which I proclaimed to you as good news, unless you believed for nothing. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received, that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures."

Ezekiel 36:26–27 (NASB1995) says, "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances."

And so the gospel is the reason I am who I am today: a husband who married his most faithful friend. She extends profound grace toward me, second only to Christ’s grace. I cherish her as a gift from God. Her name is Kylie, and I adore her. It is my aim in marriage to lay down my life for her until glory is her home, that she might hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:23 NIV). I am a father to two little boys, named Silas and Judah, whom we love dearly. We enjoy the company of our sons and make it our aim to live before them in the light of the gospel. We teach them the Bible and pray daily that God will bring the gospel to bear on their hearts and lives, savingly. We are members of Zion Bethel Church, where we worship Christ corporately and serve in the body of Christ, building one another up in love. I serve as an ACBC certified biblical counselor in Zion Bethel’s biblical counseling ministry. I also work at a hydro-excavation company, which God likes to use to humble and sanctify me. I served in the United States Army from 2005 to 2009. I was in the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment, Sabre Squadron, and deployed with them to Iraq in 2007. Having served my country in this way, I have a great appreciation for Fallen Soldiers Ministries and have been grateful for the opportunity to contribute to their cause, providing free biblical counseling to soldiers and their families in need.

My hope in sharing my testimony is that God would be glorified, the church would be strengthened, and that those who are hopelessly enslaved to sin would find their hope in Christ.

I would like to begin by setting this newsletter in its context. We live in redemptive history. God is at work all over this world, bringing sinners to saving faith in Jesus Christ. Each of us who belongs to Him shares the testimony of 1 Peter 1:3 (ESV): "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." This verse reminds me that whatever I am today, I am because of Christ. So please, as you read this testimony, don't think much of me. You are about to read the story of a rebel sinner who encountered the efficacious grace of God in Christ Jesus. The only thing I contributed to my salvation was a cold dead heart. And since then, God has used me despite myself more times than I can count. This time is no different.

As John the Baptist would say, "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30 (ESV)). God gets all the glory for His work of redemption, start to finish.

My testimony starts when I was about sixteen when I caused an incredible amount of pain and heartache in my family. They really did not know what to expect from me. I was volatile, violent, and mean. My family was regularly subjected to my explosive outbursts, which could be provoked in innocuous ways. My words were often cruel. I would scream at the top of my lungs in their faces. I hurt them physically. I threatened them. I was manipulative. I was a thief. I rebelled against any and every authority. My conscience was seared. I felt no conviction about the pain I inflicted on others, a reality which rarely troubled me. I imagine that living with me was something like living with a terrorist who could suddenly turn on their own for any reason. I am not sure that those outside of my family really knew the type of person I was, but certainly, my family got the real deal. 

I was a typical class clown type of student. I was not actually very funny, but I thought I was, so I kept at it. I competed in wrestling and dabbled in the chess club. After school and on weekends I played video and role-playing games with a group of friends who were, for the most part, good influences. As far as academics were concerned, I set the bar pretty low.

During my junior year of high school, I was introduced to taking over-the-counter medicine in excess, which excited me. I enjoyed how it made me feel and went through great lengths to use the substances without getting caught. Addictions normally start slowly, but for me it progressed rapidly. I took boxes and boxes of pills at once. I never went to the hospital for an overdose, but I had some close calls that probably nearly ended my life. The fear of dying scared me, but I kept using. It was a couple of years before I would try any street drugs.

After high school graduation, I began using marijuana. It is clear to me now that marijuana is a gateway drug because it opens the door to the influence of an entirely different group of people who more than likely do other drugs as well. My entire social structure changed. Nearly all my relationships with people who did not use drugs and alcohol ceased, and I replaced them with people who did. I rapidly worked my way through trying various drugs. I used all types of pills, marijuana, acid, ecstasy, crack, cocaine, and methamphetamine. The drugs I used were mostly determined by their availability. If I could not find a particular one, I would look for another. Thankfully, I was a rather poor drug addict. Although I would have liked to have had mountains of those substances, I was unable to build such piles. And yet I spent everything I could on drugs and committed many crimes to support my habits. Many of my relationships were destroyed in the process, even those within the drug community. I have a multitude of regrets that are hard for me to even think about. My parents tried in vain to get me to complete college. I went for four semesters, passing only a single class. I could never understand how some people seemed to use drugs and lead somewhat of a productive life. For me, it was an all-consuming process my entire life was dedicated to. I was a slave to my sinful desires. My behavior illustrated the fundamental problem with all of mankind—we are slaves to sin. We are born into God’s world as rebels who seek to usurp the Creator of all the universe from His rightful place of authority over our lives. We choose our own way. We do not all necessarily sin the in the same ways, and yet we are all alike in that we want our own wills to reign supreme in God’s universe. This is a futile endeavor for which we stand condemned before God. And if there is any hope for our souls, that hope must come from God Himself—we are in desperate need of His grace.

But I did not know about God’s grace during that time. I thought the problem was outside of me. I could have told you all the reasons why I was the way I was, without admitting that I was the problem, so the decision to join the Army to change my environment made sense. I thought joining the military might prevent me from dying an addict’s death, yet my desire to use drugs was still pervasive. My recruiter would have loved to sign me up and ship me out quickly, but I failed drug test after drug test for eight months. He almost gave up on me, but I begged him through tears not to do so. He then let me move into his home until I could pass all the necessary drug tests. SFC Hampton, if you read this, please know that I have never forgotten your kindness.

I was in the Army for four years. My environment changed multiple times, as did the people I came in contact with. Needless to say, my troubles followed me wherever I went. I continued to use drugs at each duty station. I narrowly dodged many random drug screens, going through great lengths to keep my drug use a secret.

After returning from Iraq, I finally failed a drug test—ironically, this was after graduating from the Basic NCO Academy as a student first sergeant. My double life had caught up to me. Although I was excelling in some ways, I never truly deserved the rank on my chest. The people who knew me the best spoke out against my promotion, and yet I was promoted to the rank of sergeant. But those critics were right about me. They knew the real Trevor, much as my family did. The people who are closest to you know who you really are. I would never have been a good leader. A true leader does not merely make achievements for themselves; a true leader cares for and serves those placed under their authority. My rank was removed, and I was discharged from the United States Army for misconduct. Even to this day, I struggle to accept the gratitude of others who seek to honor me for my service.

I returned home and gave myself completely over to my sin. I was arrested three times within one month of being home. My lawyer said I was looking at a ten-to-twelve-year sentence. At that time I was twenty-five years old, sulking, depressed, angry, and humiliated—and not sure how to process everything.

That is when I started reading the Bible and going to the jail ministry to learn about God. I read the Bible because I felt hopeless. I had lost everyone’s respect. I hated myself because of the shame of my circumstances. But the reality was that I did not hate myself in the right way, and by that I mean hating that I was a sinner. The truth was that I loved myself supremely, even when I was in jail and reading the Bible. My life was all about me and getting what I wanted and how good I looked to others in the process. Although I did not understand the problem with my own heart, I was looking to the Word of God, which has a way of showing us who we really are.

During this time, I made a fairly quick profession of faith in Christ, which, by the way, I had done many times throughout my life. But I was not yet a Christian. I did not possess saving faith. The Bible teaches that there is such a thing as a dead faith, a distorted gospel and even a false christ. That is why understanding the truth about ourselves and the person and work of Jesus Christ is so important. First Corinthians 1:17 teaches that the proclamation of the gospel must be made pure or the cross of Christ will be made void. The power of the gospel to save is in the message as God has revealed it. What is wrong with humanity? What do we need? And for those who have received it, how then do we live? I am not advocating for a perfect understanding of truth so as to be saved, but there are gospel essentials that must be rightly believed. The outworking of our faith reflects whether we really believe what we say we believe. If a person thinks what they believe is true, but it is not, then that person actually believes a lie. And for this reason, it is possible for a person who says they have faith in Christ not to have actual saving faith in Christ.

Let me illustrate with my experience: I said to God, "Lord God, please save me from my sins for I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ!" And yet what I meant was, "Lord God, I do not want to live like this anymore. Please save me so my quality of life can be better. My life is shameful, and other people have noticed. I want other people to respect who I am and to think well of me, and although I do not understand how there could be a heaven or hell, I sure do not want to go to hell. And so, on that basis, I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ."

Jesus Christ did not come for those reasons. I was sincerely wrong about who I was and my true need for Christ. I was sincerely wrong about who Christ is and why He came. If a person comes to Christ for all the wrong reasons, it begs the question, have they really come to Christ? What about if a person comes to Christ on all their own terms—have they really come to Christ? Who gets to set the terms that one might have peace with God? Who gets to define faith?

In Matthew 11:28-30 (NASB1995), Jesus says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

We would all do well to understand the full meaning of those verses. Now, clearly, if you could see into my heart that day, you would know the meaning of my words. But nobody can see another person’s heart. One can be sincerely wrong, and I was sincerely wrong about my religion. All I was doing was religious things. I affirmed the truth, but the truth in my mind had not yet pierced my heart. But thanks be to God, for He does not look as man sees, but He sees the heart. God is in the business of changing people’s hearts.

And so, this is what happened to me: I came to the Scriptures with a certain worldview that I created, a consciousness about who I was and the world around me. I read the Bible from that perspective, hoping to receive something from God that would make me happy—but that is not what happened. I read the Bible for a year. It was as if a Light was shining on my heart, showing me who I really was—a desperate, spiritually depraved, hell-bound sinner. Living this way did not bring me happiness but brought me to ruin. And at the same time, I saw the source of the Light being revealed in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ, Yahweh, God-incarnate, the long-awaited Messiah, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. I was undone. I came to the end of myself. I had nothing left, and in my heart of hearts, I bowed my knee to Christ by faith. I finally believed in the gospel—that is, I believed in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ and that He was calling me to follow Him by faith. And I did. I began to follow Christ by faith. In November of 2010, I was born again. 

Lee Hargitt is the man who led me to Christ. I had developed a relationship with Lee through Zion Bethel Church’s jail ministry. I am deeply grateful to a number of men who served in that ministry to teach the Bible to inmates. And, by the way, I never did get sentenced to as many years as my lawyer thought I would. I sat under Zion Bethel’s jail ministry for two years before getting released from jail. After that, and for the first time in my life, I went to church because I wanted to worship Jesus Christ. I embraced Zion Bethel as my church family and became very involved in their lives and ministry. I sat under the preaching of God’s Word and served in various ways. I was baptized and gave testimonies. In all truth, my life had changed in some major ways, but not all was as it seemed. I was actually still struggling spiritually. I was twenty-eight years old and had been a Christian for about two years. For reasons I will get into below, I had started drinking alcohol again. For a while, the struggle was intermittent, and the church tried to help me through it. But I eventually went off the deep end. I tried to continue going to work and to church, but I could not function. I lost my job, and within one week I got arrested again for drinking and driving. 

Being back in jail again as a Christian was humiliating, but for different reasons than before. I had been very outspoken about my faith, and now my hypocrisy was open for all to see. 

Jeremiah 17:9 (NASB1995) says that "the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick." because of this, we are in danger of exchanging the truth of God for a lie. False worship is the result of believing in lies, and even a born-again believer in Christ is in danger of believing in lies. It is never good to follow our own hearts without humbly checking our thoughts and feelings against the Scriptures. As Christians, we are on a life-long journey of discovery as we learn how to live in light of what the Bible actually teaches. I worded that very carefully because the following section of my testimony is a matter of the conscience, where I have very strong convictions, and not all Christians agree with my conclusion. The best way I can describe the doctrine of Christian liberty, in the context that I will be using it, is that God allows Christians to use their renewed conscience to determine whether they should participate in a morally neutral act. Biblical wisdom is needed for many of our decisions that seem to be neutral morally. But there are Christians who become so convinced by the warnings and wisdom principles in Scripture that to do the contrary is actually sinful for them. So for me, drinking any amount of alcohol whatsoever is sinful. And yet the Bible does not expressly forbid drinking alcohol when it is consumed in a godly Spirit-wrought, self-controlled manner.

Sometime during the year prior to being saved, I determined that I would continue to drink alcohol because of the above mentioned Christian liberty. I was glad there was no command forbidding the drinking of alcohol. I recognized that there could be a gray area on what constituted drunkenness, and even if I lost a few arguments about the quantity I drank, I could never lose the debate as to whether I was able to drink. But remember, the conscience is the barometer, and I must confess that even as a nominal Christian I recognized the hypocrisy of my religion. I knew why I wanted to drink alcohol, and it was for reasons that would certainly not bring glory to God. Besides, I thought, is it not commendable enough to stop using hard drugs? I should not have to stop drinking too! Now if I was seeking to please man, then that might have been commendable enough. But to please God is an entirely different matter. Christ called the disciples to leave everything behind to follow Him. Romans 12:1–2 challenges Christians to give themselves as a living sacrifice, which means we are to die to ourselves in our worship to Christ. It was a lie for me to think I could follow Christ while holding on to a part of my old life. I should have put that sin to death much sooner than I did.

To this day, I am still surprised how intensely passionate I was about following Christ while also trying to manage a drinking problem. I understand what it is like to want Christ with all your heart and yet fail to really want Him with all your heart. This is a painful paradox, but it is part of the Christian experience. Christ sanctifies us in the fires of our affliction, even the affliction caused by our own sin.

In Matthew 11:28-30 (NASB1995), Jesus says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

This is the Christian life. We are afflicted by and weary of our own sin. We are burdened excessively beyond our strength, despairing of our efforts to please God by ourselves. We are completely and entirely entrusting ourselves to Christ, resting in who He is and what He has done. We come to Christ on His terms, and we keep coming to Christ on His terms. All the days of our fleeting lives, we flee to Christ by faith, having no confidence in ourselves but in God, who gives life to our mortal bodies. We cannot do this on our own. We must hate our sin and fix our eyes on Christ.

While in jail, I learned that Daniel "made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king’s choice food or with the wine which he drank; so he sought permission from the commander of the officials that he might not defile himself" (Daniel 1:8 NASB1995). As I read that text, I was struck by Daniel’s example. It was so simple; he made up his mind to honor God—he made up his mind. He was convinced, determined, and resolved to honor God, and he took the precautions necessary to maintain his commitment. We see this evidenced throughout the rest of the book of Daniel. God cut me to the heart with that verse and made me realize that my problem was that I had not made up my mind about all my sin. A godly sorrow overwhelmed my heart, producing repentance, and just like that, the truth set me free.

It has been over ten years since that day, and I have continued to grow in the grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

After being released from jail, I entered into a program called Trinity Life Ministry. With sacrificial love and gospel proclamation, Trinity Life Ministry helps men discover deliverance from their enslaving sins when they become slaves of Christ. Trinity helped me to further redeem the time by providing for my physical and spiritual needs. They facilitated local church involvement and emphasized the ordinary means of grace as the essential components for spiritual growth. They also provided relevant Bible teaching carefully designed to minister to my specific sin struggles. For these reasons and more, Trinity helped me transition from jail to a God-ward focused life after the program. I am especially grateful to Trinity Life Ministry for leading me along the narrow way.

Much could be said of God's work since Trinity, but for the purpose of this testimony, I will close with a summary:

I have experienced complete deliverance from enslavement to life-dominating sin, yet it happened in such a way that I receive none of the glory whatsoever. I have no room to boast. I could never do this on my own. I am still weak and need my Savior. Since then, God has graciously given me many trials that offered me opportunities to trust Him and remember how much I need Him. I still have a long way to go in my journey of faith with Christ. I am still learning what it means to rest in Christ, to follow Christ, and to have faith in Christ. And although I have been truly delivered from these life-dominating sins, it has not come without a continued personal cost. I have had to die daily to the man I used to be. I consider myself to be dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus because the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in me. He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead gives life to my mortal body through His Spirit, who dwells in me. I trust that this will be my experience until He brings me home to glory.

My prayer is that anyone who reads this will simply make up their mind to follow Christ. Hate your sin and allow the Bible to define it. Look to Christ in His Word and depend upon Christ by His Spirit. Do this as an active participant in the context of a biblical local church where you will regularly sit under the preaching of God’s Word and seek to be a one-another Christian until He brings you home to glory too.

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